Monday, March 31, 2008

searching for my second childhood.

I feel like im looking at shit thru this lense. these grimey, filthy, worn fucking lenses.

things aren't what they used to be.

remember that feeling when halloween and christmas came around, and it FELT like there was something to be excited about.

now all i have is dead faith and pessimistic thoughts of everything i come into contact with.

i hate living thru past emotions. but being a kid coulda been something, were it not for the fucks in junior high who made life a living hell.

i'm working on revenge. the kind that has success at its knees, as well as your enimies.

i don't plot, i plant plans and nurse them, waiting for them to grow into something bigger.

i miss when things werent so complicated. although things were always kinda hectic.

just my mom and i, not much else. people came and went. entered our lives, only to leave forever. im glad most of them are gone.

ive always been man of the house because i was the only real "man" in the house...and that was at 6....

but i remember no bills, no girlfriends, not TOO much bullshit, i was almost completely oblivious to our struggles until i got a bit older.

then things just became mundane, unexciting, uneventful.

i havent seen the world. shiiiiiiiit! i havent seen my own country.

i continue to do the same routines, everyday. night in - night out.

i only get excited for a few things a fucking YEAR.

right now im in limbo between misery and torture. neither place has been fun.

i hope things change. i just hope i can be completely content one day.



imeonx said...

You know I was just thinking about that today, about not being aware of the struggles you apparently went through as a child till you are older. I never realized we were "poor" until I moved to Florida.
I never thought of being on welfare as anything else but normal....ah well.

imeonx said...

I also thought of you when I read this....

I got a feeling of aloneness and a bitterness that's growing and growing
Day by day into some kind of hate without un nombre.
Yet when I look down at the streets below, I can't help thinking
It's like a great big dirty Christmas tree with lights but no fuckin' presents.
And man, my head starts growing bigger than my body as it gets crammed full of hate.
And I begin to listen to the sounds inside me.
Get angry, get hating angry, and you won't be scared.
What have you got now? Nothing.
What will you ever have? Nothing
. . . Unless you cop for yourself!

~Piri Thomas~