Friday, June 27, 2008


it's funny, even though this shit is open to people, no one hits it up which leaves me free to babble about whatever the fuck i want.

i wanna slits wrists with an emo midget.
maybe we could listen to hawthorne hieghts and hold each other.
put eyeliner on and shop for our 'little sisters'. those pants are for ME. shhhhh.
let's wear REALLY bright AND dark colors so everyone KNOWS we're different.
i like to write poetry in my blood. it makes my spilled emotions feel far more intense.

wow. like being small or emo wasnt ridiculed enough....this dude combined the fucking captain planet of mockery....
all the power to ya homie.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

down the rabbithole

This has been an interesting few weeks.

I've somehow managed to overcome this overwhelming feeling of anger and rejection that was plaguing me. I was a fucking wreck and one day i decided, fuck it, i have to be more positive. I HAD to be, i was losing my fucking mind.

So i did.

Things just fucking change. You start to see the beauty in the little things. I wake up early sometimes, just to take my 10-15 minute walk to the train instead of the bus. I know that sounds like nothing but in the spring and summer, that walk does wonders for me. The trees and the sound of the birds chirping, the buzzing of the insect world, stupid people walking around with their selfish needs on their sleeves.

It all comes together and you kind of get a glimpse on how big this world truly is and you're just a fraction of what exists. Not to sound corny but it's true. Don't get me wrong, i still have my issues with the issues of life like we all do, and im still loud in expressing those issues but my outlook on things are improving.

They've got to. I'm stuck in this weird fucking place right now. I literally see 2 roads.

One road, is me continuing to let procrastination leave me stagnant and unproductive. I can see what i would look like stuck in this whirlpool of repetition. It's not pretty. It breeds this ugly monster and i can feel him dwell inside me, laying dormant, waiting to for his moment to takeover. and when he comes......there's no turning back.

it. it. it.

that word looks inhumane.

do you ever just stare at a word? sometimes i stare at certain words and they start to lose their meaning. almost like that word shouldn't exist. you can lose sight of those meanings. they serve a purpose. don't get caught


The other road i can see, leads to pitch black. Out of the blue and into the black. I'm not sure what's in store for me on this road. It's not as revealing as the other one. This road leads to the point of no return. That spot where the skies and the oceans meet. You've seen it, but you're either too frightened to cross it because you fear the unknown or maybe because you like misery. Maybe you're on that road now. and if you are, you understand me. so few understand.
i think i just entered that road.
I'm scared.
I'm not as asssured as i feel i should be.
I have so many doubts.
I'm not sure what's happened.
or what's happening.
or what's gonna happen.

and that's what excites me the most.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Moment of Clarity....

So i've been really trying to contemplate what i want to do with my life while i try to acheive one of the hardest accomplishments every performer seeks.....success.

So i know i'm still 'only' 22 and i've got a shitload of time, but it's a shitload of time, i've realized, i'm only wasting. So i've decided i HAVE to go back to school, as much as i dread it. I need to prepare myself and set myself up for what i'm hoping will be a very fun, hard, challenging and rewarding life.

That leaves me to go back to my roots. I've searched and continue to search for what i'd want to do in the entertainment industry. I've spoken to the producers, reporters, journalists and many more people at my job, countless times over the past few months, on their professions. It's amazing to see they seem genuinely happy, something i don't think i've truly felt yet, that calm in the universe when everything feels right.

I'm just getting more and more bored everyday. I don't feel like self-pity, it takes too much energy. I just know i have to cut my horrible procrastination and get on with what i've got to do. But the complete and honest truth is.....i don't know what the fuck i want.

I know i want music. I know i want to work hard at it.

But i know at this point, i'm not ready yet. There's something missing. I feel it, this overwhelming feeling that if i don't go and find what i need to do to become successful, everything is gonna pass me by and i'm gonna be left alone and miserable.

This shit has me depressed. There's nothing more confusing then having your heart and logic at odds with each other.

It's a fight that could have serious repercussions. That's what scares the shit outta me.

This life thing is going to get VERY interesting.