Wednesday, June 25, 2008

down the rabbithole

This has been an interesting few weeks.

I've somehow managed to overcome this overwhelming feeling of anger and rejection that was plaguing me. I was a fucking wreck and one day i decided, fuck it, i have to be more positive. I HAD to be, i was losing my fucking mind.

So i did.

Things just fucking change. You start to see the beauty in the little things. I wake up early sometimes, just to take my 10-15 minute walk to the train instead of the bus. I know that sounds like nothing but in the spring and summer, that walk does wonders for me. The trees and the sound of the birds chirping, the buzzing of the insect world, stupid people walking around with their selfish needs on their sleeves.

It all comes together and you kind of get a glimpse on how big this world truly is and you're just a fraction of what exists. Not to sound corny but it's true. Don't get me wrong, i still have my issues with the issues of life like we all do, and im still loud in expressing those issues but my outlook on things are improving.

They've got to. I'm stuck in this weird fucking place right now. I literally see 2 roads.

One road, is me continuing to let procrastination leave me stagnant and unproductive. I can see what i would look like stuck in this whirlpool of repetition. It's not pretty. It breeds this ugly monster and i can feel him dwell inside me, laying dormant, waiting to for his moment to takeover. and when he comes......there's no turning back.

it. it. it.

that word looks inhumane.

do you ever just stare at a word? sometimes i stare at certain words and they start to lose their meaning. almost like that word shouldn't exist. you can lose sight of those meanings. they serve a purpose. don't get caught


The other road i can see, leads to pitch black. Out of the blue and into the black. I'm not sure what's in store for me on this road. It's not as revealing as the other one. This road leads to the point of no return. That spot where the skies and the oceans meet. You've seen it, but you're either too frightened to cross it because you fear the unknown or maybe because you like misery. Maybe you're on that road now. and if you are, you understand me. so few understand.
i think i just entered that road.
I'm scared.
I'm not as asssured as i feel i should be.
I have so many doubts.
I'm not sure what's happened.
or what's happening.
or what's gonna happen.

and that's what excites me the most.

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